Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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