So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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