I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
