This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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