My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
