the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
