R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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