Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
