If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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