yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Randomize
