Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
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Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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