I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
