mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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