see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
