nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
