I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
