Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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