guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
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