ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
