I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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