Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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