I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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