i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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