Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wear drunk well.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
