I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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