I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
