if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
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