i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
this will be a night to untag.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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