when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
