i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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