My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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