3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
