Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
