Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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