Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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