Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
