Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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