A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Someone shattered a urinal.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
