As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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