i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize