We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize