I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
