1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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