tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
