piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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