new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sext me about skeletons
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
