There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
