took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
