the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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