I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
