So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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