I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
