There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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