I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
