it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
